1:53 am. it’s late and I need to sleep. But two major things about today (technically yesterday):

1) someone made me dinner. And instead of wine I brought bottles of kombucha. Dessert was Macadamia milk ice cream with sprinkles. No further comment.

2) I have the biggest, most volcanic zit on my chin. the inflammation is causing my whole face to swell. was going to post a picture but I don’t want a pimple to be the thing that ruins my image.

hope you are well. We made it to Friday.

la has been consumed by the fires. My loved ones are safe. My mom has her go bag ready. Friends have evacuated their homes, but their houses are still standing. Some friends of friends were not as lucky. Unbelievably heartbreaking.

the news reporters walk through the leveled Altadena neighborhoods and say, “it’s like a war zone,” but you can see it on their faces that they wish they had different words (because war is sensitive and really the worst). How do you describe it though. I like the reporter who said, “it’s like being in hell!” Most of the city didn’t have words though. Just on our phones and watching the destruction.

What is it about a burning white van?

i had a date with marg planned tonight, but we postponed it out of safety, concern, and sadness. The rancho bar was destroyed.

nevertheless, we like the Pasadena fire department. A lot I think.

11:51 pm. Hope you are all safe. Let me know if you need anything.

i got on the ladder again today. That’s the third time this week. I put curtain tape on the bedroom curtain rod so now the rings no longer catch on the telescoping joint of the rod (i learned it’s called the jack). It was something that annoyed me for years. It’s sm00th like butter now. Go me.

I’m getting better about having time to myself and using it wisely instead of drinking my brain cells and hepatocytes into oblivion. In addition to fixing the curtain situation, I ate food, took a nap, did Pilates, practiced front splits, and curled my hair. No skateboarding yet but I wore my Sherpa half-cabs today.

I received a very thoughtful eddie-related gift today. I felt showered with love. and even though the gift was from shawanna, I felt Eddie’s love energy. That’s how it’s been though, hasn’t it? He is gone but the love keeps coming. And We all know where it’s coming from.

12:37 am.

10:38 pm.

I keep thinking about rejoining the climbing gym. I even looked at the monthly rates. over $100 now! I remember paying $80.

I also keep thinking about riding my skateboard. I found my board while cleaning the apartment. it was hidden underneath the fatboy bean bag in the corner. graphics and trucks brand new—sadly, not a single ollie nor grind was ever attempted. and there were cobwebs on the indys. eddie and I got brand new setups shortly before the pandemic, obviously before his legs started going bad. we never had the chance to ride them.

When he first messaged me on okcupid, he asked me if I like to “imbibe and ride.” he was speaking my language. one time while skating to the barcade, he fell while trying to ollie off a bump and I couldn’t stop laughing. i’ve seen people fall a million times and I never laughed because it’s not funny. i was just a happy person.

(I still am.)

it’s not over until you can’t do a kickflip anymore, so i’m pretty sure it’s over for me. i’m not really interested in going to the skatepark or learning tricks again anyway. i’ll be happy If I can just push down the block to the hardware store to pick up the new mop head that i need along with some other necessary household items.

Or maybe skate to the climbing gym. Wouldn’t that just be a whole new level of rad.

I had a dream that I used my oc spray on someone. pretty sure it was dick van patten. he was following me and i sprayed him at close range when he tried to grab me. the stream of spray was weak and i was lucky i got him close up because it didn’t travel far. the effect of the hot sauce was also disappointing. he just rubbed his eyes like someone with eight kids and a lot of stress would. but I got away. if I didn’t know it was a dream and that he died several years ago, I would have believed that it really happened.

I carry pom pepper spray and I tested its distance today. it sprayed much farther than I dreamed.

9:49 pm.

life’s not fair, is it? Memorable line from Lion king.

I went out for some drinks tonight with shawanna. As you know, she is a talented comedian so she made me laugh so much tonight. She serves the best kind of humor and the kind of compliments that you secretly want to hear. For example, She likened me and my red hair to Jessica rabbit. And according to her, I did my job.

when I got home, I discovered that one or more of the smoke detectors in the apartment was chirping. Time to replace the battery. At two-something in the morning, I dragged out the gorilla ladder from underneath the bed. The chirping stopped (maybe because I tapped a button) even before I put in a new battery. I did not put any new batteries. It will be a later problem.

eddie used to take Care of all those things. Until he couldn’t. So I had to. But never did.

but big news: I cooked a full meal for myself for the first time in months (college girl spaghetti doesn’t count). It was Eddie’s favorite chicken drumsticks and other delicious things. I felt like I made so much healing progress in recent weeks. I texted everyone: “hey look! I cooked chicken, rice, and green beans all by myself!”

life’s not fair, but it’s beautiful. So many beautiful and wonderful people in my life right now. I feel like I’m managing pretty well these days—totally healing and ruling. really it’s because of you. 3:38 am.