i can’t believe how fast time is flying. April the cruelest month is nearly done. Lots to look forward to. Like retirement.

i met a lady at the Hms bounty today. She said she goes wherever the winds take her. She was 70 and looked much younger. She said there used to be a bed of quartz crystals that you could lie on at the wi spa before it became the wi spa. I’ll never go.

life has been good. sooo different from this time last year. My heart hurts thinking about it. don’t look back.

Grateful for wu-tang clan, Clamato, Canadians, diy detail, vampire’s kiss, and nuclear bodies.

1:38 am.

8 months since Eddie’s passing. Yesterday I cried. Something happened and I was so disappointed in myself, I felt like I let him and his legacy down, and I wished I could turn back time. People say he wouldn’t want me to feel this way. But I can sense all the energies and I should have done better.

i should try to do better in all the major areas of my life. Eat better. Sleep better. Work better. Treat people better. Be treated better. One time I saw a guy with a tattoo that said “fail better” in typewriter font on his upper outer elbow. I think about that tattoo way too much. Don’t even know what it means.

Grateful for my friends, wake-up calls, all the water I drank today, crow babies, long naps, long hugz, long breaks, and peloton.

2:05 am.

Haven’t written in a while. Maybe that’s a good sign—writing here has always been therapeutic. Maybe I just don’t need to as much. Or maybe I’ve just been drinkin’ and funnin’ too much. Either way, I missed you.

latest updates: Life is moving. I’m evolving. My body is changing. I got a haircut and rode my skateboard.

grateful for oy chamoy, negative test results, feeling just capital, egg hunts, marine greens, cookies, and the power of now.

1:05 am.

so much has happened in the past few days. All good stuff.

Hinds in San Diego was so fun. I brought gifts (necklaces) for Ana and Carlotta. They wore them during the show. I love them so. I drank a lot of tequila.

We spent the following day in ocean beach. It was overcast yet the views were beautiful. I need to see the ocean more often. we stayed late there to catch a punk show. If that doesn’t earn cool points, not sure what does.

I was so grateful to be on a mini-vacation…it was always hard for me and eddie to plan trips because of his treatment schedule and chemo effects. I never felt like I was missing out on anything, but these new experiences are really somethin’ else.

jimmy and Steph are in town so I enjoyed much needed fam time. Also had some saelee time. some Daniel time. Some barramundi and some tea smoked duck. Life is delicious.

grateful for York blvd, pet friendly bars, ghost ballz, nondairy creamer, seafood pasta, eddie dreams, the sun, and everyone in my life past-present-future.

3:34 am.

mid-week vacay mode unlocked. Because it’s hinds week!

Taking a little road trip on Wednesday. I happen to love long road trips (cross-country road trip so dreamy) and long flights. Do you get sad too when the destination is near?

this will be a short and sweet one to San Diego. I will not be riding solo. no major anxiety and nobody is gettin’ weird on this trip, except for maybe my bowels 😬.

i went to cvs tonight. I waited in the slow-moving prescription pickup line to tell Judith the pharmacy clerk about Eddie’s passing. Over the years she’s handed me hundreds of pill bottles. A few times she’s shown me pictures of her nieces at disneyland. She cried.

Grateful for rinseless car wash, Nordstrom pickup, aeroccino, Judith, pto, honest neighbors, heavy eyelids.

2:14 am.

The weekend was packed. I feel like I experienced a year’s worth of stuff in the span of Friday through Sunday: Bustling social life, tumultuous dating life, beachy brunch life, neighborly night life. My life is beautiful and I enjoy every experience.

It’s hinds week again! Just don’t look at me with those eyes…

You know the pros and cons list we were talking about last time. Let’s say there are more cons than pros. Does that mean you are supposed to assassinate the person? Asking for a friend.

grateful for hair detangler, communication skills, nondairy milk punch cocktails, ocean views, my dog in my bed, and forever in captivity.

1:34 am.