I wasn’t going to write tonight because it’s late and I have to work in the morning, but i’m dedicated to you.

just got back from my holiday dinner with bea and cj. it was supposed to be an early night for me, but i should have known better. we had oysters, good food, fine wine, and then listened to live bluegrass at the bar I hadn’t been to in almost 20 years. last time beto was throwing up.

I had another public cry. it’s fine; it was because I was overwhelmed with love. and if you’ve never experienced crying because of that then I hope that for you.

almost time for holiday shutdown. the senioritis is real. 2:34 am.

Tonight I loved where I live. Skyline. Shorts in December. Walk to brewery. Friends with bartenders. chasing a dream.

Watched shawanna do her stand-up comedy thing tonight. She killed it. A huge relief because I had no idea if i was going to like her jokes or not. she was dope. She performed at two separate venues with different material which is pro. The asian joke was about me (I think). It was a good time. I’m here to see my friends rise.

I did some online Christmas shopping today. It was not easy. I usually ask my family to post a gift wishlist in our group chat but The only person who ever posts is me haha. Buy me this. No wishlists this year so everyone is getting a ______.

12:20 am.

Well, okay, here’s my wishlist: crow landing on my shoulder, silence, jade rings, vegetables, and laughing so hard I cry.

finally got this site fixed. Fiverr came through with all the cache fixes, but I never asked about the timestamping. I’ll just do it manually.

where did the weekend go. Saturday was a blessed day. Went running for the first time in like ten years. Six miles, but they were slow. In elementary school, the pe teachers used to say, “kids, we’re doing lsd today.” Meaning long slow distance. Then we’d run all period in the Texas heat. The rich kids got all excited for nothing.

Had a wonderful dinner and best time spent with Dylan and mo. after that…drinks with the neighbor shawanna. Found out The bartender has the same birthday as me. As soon as we made that discovery he was nicer to me. Typical cancer.

Sunday washed out by a hangover. I had decided to skip my zbiotics hangover prophylactic before going out. That was a mistake. now I’m 100% sure they work.

1:55 am. Get the weed out.

it’s late. I wish I could add a timestamp on this blog template. there must be a way, I better ask a fiverr.

lentil and taz took me to cosm tonight for a documentary screening. that place is cool. the massive screen was experiential and the venue itself made me want to party. but the bar was closed. andy came through with cans of pineapple mana just in time though. the movie was great and the creative energy was high. it felt good meeting new people too. look at me, i can socialize now.

today I loved people.

today was a good day! work was chill and maybe someone would consider me a good boss?

also got into the gym for the first time in a billion years. did the bare minimum though; stared in the mirror, 3 sets of 12, nothing more. but I was there.

I got on the scale. I gained weight. let’s say the heart is heavy.

In other news, my credit report said 840. apartment’s a mess, diet’s a mess, my skin’s a mess, but my credit is goooood.

happy 12th anniversary. Twelve years ago today I had my first date with eddie. We went to the cool sushi place in the arts district before the arts district was even the arts district where he told me stories about shredding ramps in San Jose, slaving it for his old boss on big movies, and sharing superbites with his best friend Lenny. As Geraldine (who never even met him) so perfectly described him (based on media and context), he was “big, warm, and dynamic,” and I fell in love.

deep breath. Went to fleming’s to celebrate tonight. One of our go-to spots. My original plan was to dress up with fancy shoes and have a solo dinner, but it felt fake dressing up, like this ain’t Halloween. so instead I put on my veggiehammerr hoodie aka the ek hoodie and my toro air j’s (fancy shoes nonetheless) and bellied up to the bar for all the good bourbon drinks. I felt good, happy, and strong. And right when I started to teeter into sadness, lentil came to meet me for a round. We did shed a few tears but I/we needed that. My support system is solid. It’s what eddie built.

while walking Niko today I came across these two old, possibly homeless guys with skateboards. One was sitting on the sidewalk setting up some crappy looking deck and the other was just standing there in his beanie doing nothing like weird dudes on the street often do. They had all their stuff spread out in the middle of the sidewalk like third graders playing gi joes, so niko and I had to watch where we were stepping. naturally I said “excuse us” as we stepped over pieces of grip tape and mismatched skate wheels and weird glass things. and then the one standing said it: “you’re beautiful.” I laughed to myself because as much as I appreciated the sweet sentiment from a stranger on the street, I immediately recognized it as a message from eddie. My response was, “no, you guys are beautiful.” And it caught them so off guard he winced. they didn’t seem to like it and maybe I even scared them a little. Haha.

i’ve been feeling better lately. My appetite is coming back. I’m writing here again. I’m wanting to run, skate, and climb again. And I brushed my hair today.

i wrote a lot tonight. It helps me. Thank you for reading.

p.s. I got my tiny tree. I skipped the mcd’s part which was fine, and sorting through the ornaments was emotionally okay too. Also went to Whole Foods, but nearly had a panic attack for some reason. literally had to take deep breaths and tell myself I could do it. A bit dramatic i know…It was not really a big deal after all since I’m healthy and strong; I felt sad for the sick people who really can’t do it though.