life is moving.

went to polina’s birthday party tonight. she looked beautiful. it’s always nice to see everyone, but it still felt sad. sometimes I forget that they are grieving too. everybody loved eddie.

people ask me how i’m doing, what i’ve been up to, how i’ve been sleeping, and am I eating enough. I can’t tell the truth. and I can’t lie to people I love. so I just say, “i’ve been drinking a lot,” which is true and sums everything up.

last christmas I made egg nog and it was delicious. If I make it again this year it will officially be a new tradition. I do need new traditions. the new tradition for getting the tree will be the same as the old tradition except it will only be me. and it will be tiny.

long story short. I went to eddie’s and my favorite sushi place for dinner tonight. party of one. according to the trusty swarm app, the last time we went there was july 9. they were shocked when I told them about his passing. yoey said, “he looked perfect last time I saw him.” indeed. it was emotional for me to be there again. but I felt supported by my friends and cecilia. and that’s all I needed.

afterwards, stumbled upon an art event. I sipped and socialized. got some photobooks, instagram follows, fist bumps (skaters), and hugs (bartenders). was nice.

after all that though. I missed eddie a bunch. alone and I felt it. but this is a perfect world and nobody is here for me except for me.

worked late so the night got away. sipped wine (with ice in it) and talked on the phone with cj. like a normal, healthy girl with friends.

today I went to the eyebrow studio for my annual brow touch-up. another normal, healthy girl thing of me to do. I can do that, but I can’t get myself in for the mammogram, pap smear, or all the other important checks to make sure all is normal and healthy and girl. 2025 is the year. we’ll all quit cigarettes.

it doesn’t feel like christmas season. I want to get into the spirit but the spirit is sad. I thought about home depot-ing for a tree, driving through Mcd’s, and sorting through ornaments. sob much? maybe I need a new tradition. maybe in 2025.

other news: In today’s work meeting, I was described as “unflappable.”

it feels good to be back in la. The only person bummed about it is Niko. She loved the quiet vastness of Elk Grove so much. Nevertheless, she did great on the flight home. No fussing and no clawing like on the way there. She actually did better than me. Admittedly, I had a spontaneous cry on the plane, which i guess is still happening. Especially Love it when it happens in small, enclosed public spaces. Thinking about my elderly neighbor Tom right now. When i told him that eddie passed away, his immediate response was “that’s life.”

i finally had a whiskey pickle back for the first time and enjoyed it very much. Same with Malört. Same with some other first-time things, Like watching four christmases, Intertwining, and driving down Benton.

Finally got to explore a little bit of Sacramento. Went to the best farmers market in California (third best in the country). It’s the best because it’s big, has everything every other farmers market has to offer plus a tarot card reader, and vendors I wish were available in la. Frenchy gourmet yogurt was a great find. The berries from other vendors looked ok but we didn’t purchase. Some huge strawberries were dropped on to the ground and smooshed; Niko had zero interest in them but that doesn’t mean anything since she’s not a berrivore.

i was trying out midtown sac to see if I could live there. And I could. Yes, I would move. The bloody Mary’s are good enough. Except I can’t move because there aren’t any bird friendly homes for sale at the moment. Also checked out the capital park area, which was nice and beautiful. Fall leaves, crisp air, some east coast vibes. Overall, this city is great. Vast and great.

I’ll be catching a ride back to la in the morning. Home is always where I want to be. But I do love being here.

i am still in Sacramento. Elk Grove really. I still have not seen much of the city mostly because I’ve been spending my time here sleeping. Maybe because it’s so quiet and peaceful. Maybe because I’m being completely taken care of by my family. Maybe because i simply need to recover. AND BE ALONE. But I’m finally getting some real sleep THAT’S not hangover induced, AND IT’S INCREDIBLE.

TOMORROW WE’LL hit up the best farmer’s market in California. I’ll let you know how the berries are.