merry Christmas. 1:08 am. We made it.

i’m at my mom’s house. As soon as I arrived she made me blueberry pancakes and eggs. My brother is here too.

On Christmas Eve, we lounged, drank wine, listened to alternative Christmas songs, and then had an amazing dinner. My mom cooked a roast and roasted beets. I told her the Mac and cheese tasted like it came out of a box (a compliment because i love that stuff), and we all agreed that it tasted like “real” Mac and cheese. She seemed sad but then relieved when i said this was the most food I’ve eaten in five months. It was a delicious time. Family is key.

Four months since Eddie’s passing. If I didn’t know the date I would have no idea how long it’s been. I just know I miss him a lot and I still shake my head when I think about all this.

we usually open presents and take photos after our Christmas Eve dinner. This year we did not. But Maybe tomorrow.

In other news, i called a friend “babe” on the phone and it felt completely natural. I never say babe. But now all my female friends might be babe.

hope you’re having a big fat Christmas stuffed full of love.

didn’t do too much today. Wait, yes I did. I watched too much YouTube. And ate too many chamoy gummies. I neglected a lot of my tasks (let’s blame it on late amazon delivery) but I’ll make up for it by waking up early. That is one terrific aspect of my life right now: Do whatever I want.

i found out that a woman I know got engaged to her weird long-time boyfriend. She complained about his personality, finances, and health issues all the time, but now they are getting married. It was a piece of news that when I heard, a feeling came over me where I couldn’t wait to tell eddie about it (he loved discussing relationships). I also got that same feeling of wanting to share news with him when b informed me the swingers were trying to recruit me. Also happened when i found out about penny from big bang theory’s broken leg. I miss being able to gossip with him. Josephine said I still can. I’m guessing she meant just that. Talk to him. Unless she was dropping a feather on some African magic and i just didn’t catch it.

tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’ll need to be strong. Especially at family photo time. 11:37 pm.

This is the best blog in the world. I was feeling very sad and I wrote a post that was a total bummer to write and probably to read. But it made me realize how beautiful my life and people are. So I deleted it and it became this post. Which is nothing.

5:26 pm. i’ve been bummin’ it in pajamas and slugging along all day. But I’m ready to go and flip it like Jim Greco.

I thought I was cured of my social anxiety but there was a little bit of it tonight at Dave c’s party. It happens a lot when you don’t feel like you fit in. Thank god Sylvia was there. She understands my shrimp chips + bourbon diet.

did some more online shopping. I regret procrastinating. None of the gifts I’ll be giving are that great. But maybe I get a pass this year.

i know holidays are not about the gifts. But sometimes they are. I like when people give me nice material things because they love me. Not everyone cares for Fancy things and that’s exactly what I like about them. I felt sad when the Neiman marcus jewelry catalog showed up in the mailbox (addressed to eddie). He always wanted me to have the best things, and his taste in bling was impeccable. I miss that. So what.

already Sunday. Wishing I could freeze time like evie garland. I would touch you. 1:42 am.

late. I stayed at eddie’s company holiday party later than I thought I would. I also thought it would be difficult and emotional to see everyone, but I was wrong about everything. nothing difficult about it, unless you have a hard time dealing with fun times, hugs, and laughs. and well, I used to but I’ve been strong and i don’t have social anxiety anymore (i cured it by bossing up). every single person I saw tonight spread warmth on my heart like buttered toast.

played street fighter for the first time in years too. I was so rusty. i will need to practice before I get into the octagon known as eighty two.

brunch plans tomorrow so I need to sleep. 3:40 am. i’ve never been this social in my life.

I still haven’t gone grocery shopping. it’s been months. well, actually going to the grocery store—It’s been years. what i mean is I haven’t placed a whole foods order nor stocked up the fridge in months. the shelves are sad. but I cooked today. I found some good meats and vegetables in the freezer. eventually there will be zero food left here, and even though the clear solution is to buy groceries, I’m curious to see what actions I’ll take when I get there. one can only eat so many shrimp chips.

I miss eddie a lot today. when he was here, our fridge was phat.

thinking about the time I opened skater homie’s fridge to grab a cold beverage. and the refrigerator was completely empty except for: a box of corn dogs.

today i loved all the holiday cards i received. seeing stacks of handwritten envelopes addressed to me in my mailbox fills my heart with much joy. but seeing the photos even more joy. matching pajamas. adorable.

okay, time for bed. and i am hungry. 1:12 am. stacks.