It’s that time of year again when I think about moving/changing apartments. But I know I probably won’t be going anywhere Any time soon—Current place is expensive but worth it. And the birds still need me. OR I NEED THEM.

Nothing major to report. I’ve been eating good, sleeping so-so, and funnin’ mucho.

I almost forgot to tell you…I ate a Cuban sandwich. It was my first time. I liked it.

Grateful for potato ballz, caffeine, fiber supplements, college roommates, group dinners, cousins, 24 hours of silence, my job, parking tickets, paperless post, kind words, short rib, lovely people, not using a/c, night life, my huge muscles.

1:12 am.

It’s been eleven months since Eddie’s passing, which means I’ve already made it through all but one of the tough firsts. First Christmas. First therapy party. First birthday. Without him. Next month will be the first anniversary (do people call it deathiversary?). Thinking about it actually makes my heart feel full. I am so lucky love gets poured on me like thick, sweet golden syrup. But not sticky or messy. I know who’s in charge.

grateful for waking up, ilani, Australian editor, boba, extra bubble, all songs dedicated to me, Guinness, no longer hating having plans, workouts, idiots with moles, always smiling, good chemistry.

1:17 am.

I have had minimal contact with the outer physical world the past two days. That usually means my apartment’s a mess, my dog feels cooped up, and my dinners are sad. And everything’s fine!

grateful for my loud dishwasher, my work team, not drinking, gel nails, ft, work from home, smoked salmon + avocado, Lancôme, my neighborhood, and all the people who check in on me.

12:36 am.

I just might be done celebrating my birthday now. Jimmy, Steph, and tony were in town, which means I got to enjoy a special dinner with my dearest loved ones. I picked a really good spot this time (pez); The chef made me a custom risotto and It was delicious. Afterwards, more cake, presents, flowers, and candy. Life is sweet.

grateful for all the love, cute dogs, good introductions, dr. Park, Betty Suarez, roasted beets, veggie plate, hot neck, tous les jours, manic panic, not being poor, looking forward to work, everybody safe, healthy, happy.

1:26 am.

More birthday love today! My bestie neighbor came over with a strawberry cake candles ablaze. We shared a bottle of prosecco and life updates. I received tight hugs and more beautiful gifts. When it rains it pours.

Also, today it felt like eddie was calling me from the heavens. My phone rang and the caller id said it was “therapy eddie”, his old studio landline. It was a bit jarring to see that on my phone, but i figured it was someone from the studio calling to ask if i was going on their camping trip. I answered and knew the person who was calling—Arlo. He and eddie worked together a bunch and he is a friend. He asked me how I was doing and then asked, “what’s up?” Hmm. I said, “you called me.” No, he said he heard the phone ring as he was walking by the audio bay and decided to pick up. My phone log definitely says “incoming call.” We tripped out and chatted about the epic birthday celebration in Tahoe. It was nice and I felt touched and emotional after. What do you make of that? The beams of golden love shining down on me have been so bright and strong, I know it’s him Getting creative with his messages. There is love for us.

grateful for short naps, short work week, jade cat, black power, vivica fox stories, charge reversals, closet space, no Botox, joyhogger lager, my old boss, my current boss, lactose-free Greek yogurt, and everyone connected to me (even the unfriendly).

2:49 am.

Birthday adventure complete. I went on a big group trip to Reno/Lake Tahoe. It was bea’s 50th, and I always just piggyback my birthday celebration on to her’s. She does all the planning and inviting—it’s great. We did a lot of fun stuff like happy hour on a boat, amazing dinners, poolside chillin’, and extreme funnin’ in a dive bar. I was with my favorite people—mostly Eddie’s old friends who have become my best friends (the best gift he ever gave me). love is a gift that keeps on giving.

I cried my ugly eyeballz out so hard because I felt all the love. So much. For the first time someone held me while I blubbered through the painful beauty of it all. And that in itself is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it’s easy to feel alone, but I know i am not.

Happy birthday to me.

grateful for July birthday babes, funfetti cake, gold snakes, birthday texts, bea and cj, blended margarita (strawberry and singular), Ian the bartender, Daniel, farmgirl flowers, Lori meyers, king’s Hawaiian, everyone I love(d).

2:38 am.