Happy February. This is the month I’ll say goodbye to this wonderful apartment. This is the week I’ll get keys to the top of the hill. I’ll live differently Like a morning person. I’ll write notes like I can no longer associate myself and scratch them out.

i’m watching rosemary’s baby right now because it’s about apartment hunting and moving, and I can relate to it all.

grateful for new American funding, bibigo, oatmeal, pharmaceuticals, caffeine, warm weather, rubber gloves, Closing time.

1:21 am.

I went to the new apartment today to check on a plumbing leak. all seems good—no mold. The place won’t officially be mine until next week, but it’s occupying a lot of my headspace. I was supposed to be packing and doing a bunch of stuff this week, but of course I didn’t.

i was stressing about my finances because moving is expensive. But once you start stressing you attract more stress and expenses. Suddenly things need repair or replacing. my sonicare toothbrush stopped working? And the red light therapy controller broke? I forgot we’re rich.

grateful for everything I have, trust, Koreans, surveys, bubble wrap, Brie cheese, Excitement, people, friends, mockups, good health.

1:57 am.

i was emotional and didn’t get much of anything done.

i recently found out that my friend Luke passed away two months before eddie did. It was a shock and i was sad. We worked together a long time ago and kept in touch here and there. Our conversations were always very good. He was a talented audio guy so he crossed my mind recently because I thought I might ask for help with some of Eddie’s studio equipment. But he is gone.

I chatted with his wife today. I always liked her because He called her the “bees knees” and bragged about her musical accomplishments. I met her at the company holiday party 25 years or so ago and worried she didn’t like me because most wives don’t like their husband’s female work buddy. But it seems she wanted to be friends with me too this whole time. And now we are bonded in grief, which I know can be very strong. We are planning to have dinner.

people love to talk about the abundance mindset. Yes, eddie = love, and love is abundant. But the loss is tremendous. And eddie and Luke were one of a kind.

grateful for widows, pure souls, plumbers, my family, my friends, coffee, red light therapy, avocados, Glendale.

1:58 am.

Decluttering continues. Dylan and momopot stopped by to help with some of Eddie’s studio equipment. People always offer to help, but my friends actually mean it.

i looked through a lot of old personal items that belonged to eddie. Birthday cards written to him by old friends and people he looked up to; photographs of him smoking; cassette tapes and mini discs. I kept some cool stuff and trashed items that were triggering—usually anything that had to do with ucla health or city of hope.

i found a check for $1000 in his wallet that he never cashed. And his lucky $2 bill.

lots of excitement around here. I haven’t been sleeping much.

grateful for thank you for saying thank you, Hawaii, dogs, bffs, advil, monarch, calm, Royce, dila, Luke + Amy, progress, support, free boxes.

1:49 am.

i stopped by Lenny and taz’s place tonight to visit ripley. He is a very good boy with a sweet smile. He is very near the end of his life, and everybody knows this situation is the hardest part about having a dog.

A small group of friends gathered to pet, hold, and console him, but also to be there for Lenny and taz. All The same people who helped me—who always help me. We’re forever bonded through life, love, laughter, and loss.

grateful for best friends, Filipino snacks, kudsi, Randy’s donuts, intermittent fasting, ripples, memories, life and death.

1:19 am.

there is so much going on yet nothing to write about. I’m moving next month so I’m supposed to be decluttering, donating, selling, packing, cleaning. I’ve been lazy. There is a lot to do and lots of potential triggers to sort through. Some of it is sad; all of It is overwhelming. I am not alone.

grateful for Daniel, momopot, Dylan, Isabella, work besties, my family, Niko, saelee, good timing, good neighbors, good food, good times.

12:59 am.