I felt very emotional and thought about eddie a lot today. And this past week. Maybe It’s the time of year—almost one year since his passing; almost my birthday—but this grief business is no joke so there is always more to it.

I’ve been feeling things that I didn’t feel before…like the anger stage of grief. I went from denial (“this is crazy and doesn’t feel real”) straight to acceptance (“he is gone and I am surrounded by his love; life is beautiful”). But today I felt mad (and very sad). I felt that he was short-changed out of a longer, happy life. I felt that He endured a lot of pain and mental anguish that he didn’t deserve. I felt that he was scared and depressed and hurting but never showed me. it’s 💔. I cry because of that pain and loss.

but I’m not really angry. I can’t be. i know he/we had a great life and not everyone gets that. Right now I am happy and so lucky. So loved and congratulated. Grief is painful—for some I imagine it comes from a dark, black place. Mine comes from a collective of hundreds of pure, golden hearts. Fluttering like butterflies. Some bigger than others. Some closer to me than others. Yours. it’s 💛. i cry because that’s spectacular—love is an eternal gift. I have received it and I will share it.

grateful for burning eye perspective, muscle building, Paul choe, sad times, rotten eggs, my favorite people, my therapeutic blog, your 💛, anger and acceptance.

1:47 am.

Today i lived a very adult life. To say “living my best adult life” would sound cliché, but it would be the truth. Gratefully golden.

Grateful for brown sugar lattes, productive work meetings, unflavored chocho protein, sadly delicious bachelorette dinners, group trip planning, fresh berries, sweet beau, heart-melting body heat, big plumes of love.

2:21 am.

Hope you had a nice extendo Fourth of July weekend. Mine was all funnin’ and sunnin’. Friends and family of friends. I ate a burger as planned. Didn’t have to sit through any fireworks or drone shows. Yay.

June flew and July is flying. Life changes fast. Hold on to your hats and meta glasses.

Grateful for nice people, Day drinking, gold beads, chocolate old fashioned, high protein, compliments, future confusion.

2:38 am.

A near perfect day. A great day at work. A delicious dinner. A beer. A hot tub party. a good “diet” day.

Grateful for Buddha bottle flowers, old school chivalry, so many friendly faces while walking on my block, honesty, YouTube algorithm, seeing so many 11:11s.

1:23 a.m.

been focusing on my diet and trying to ramp up cardio and strength training. Well, not so much the cardio part. I’m trying this new thing—eating tons of protein and tracking my intake on an app. I weighed my smoked salmon and Greek yogurt today. The mixed berries too. I never wanted to be this way, but that’s what happens when you get old and eat and drink too much. It’s surprisingly fun though—good data enlightens and motivates. I did not exceed my calorie target.

grateful for cronometer, egg whites, cozy blankets, wale, same-day delivery, green flags, good neighbors, sk-ii, how long this list can be.

12:47 a.m.

Grateful for all the texts I haven’t responded to yet, fage, mellow work day, emotional intelligence, comfort level high.

12:30 a.m.