happy 12th anniversary. Twelve years ago today I had my first date with eddie. We went to the cool sushi place in the arts district before the arts district was even the arts district where he told me stories about shredding ramps in San Jose, slaving it for his old boss on big movies, and sharing superbites with his best friend Lenny. As Geraldine (who never even met him) so perfectly described him (based on media and context), he was “big, warm, and dynamic,” and I fell in love.

deep breath. Went to fleming’s to celebrate tonight. One of our go-to spots. My original plan was to dress up with fancy shoes and have a solo dinner, but it felt fake dressing up, like this ain’t Halloween. so instead I put on my veggiehammerr hoodie aka the ek hoodie and my toro air j’s (fancy shoes nonetheless) and bellied up to the bar for all the good bourbon drinks. I felt good, happy, and strong. And right when I started to teeter into sadness, lentil came to meet me for a round. We did shed a few tears but I/we needed that. My support system is solid. It’s what eddie built.

while walking Niko today I came across these two old, possibly homeless guys with skateboards. One was sitting on the sidewalk setting up some crappy looking deck and the other was just standing there in his beanie doing nothing like weird dudes on the street often do. They had all their stuff spread out in the middle of the sidewalk like third graders playing gi joes, so niko and I had to watch where we were stepping. naturally I said “excuse us” as we stepped over pieces of grip tape and mismatched skate wheels and weird glass things. and then the one standing said it: “you’re beautiful.” I laughed to myself because as much as I appreciated the sweet sentiment from a stranger on the street, I immediately recognized it as a message from eddie. My response was, “no, you guys are beautiful.” And it caught them so off guard they didn’t seem to like it and maybe I scared them a little. Haha.

i’ve been feeling better lately. My appetite is coming back. I’m writing here again. I’m wanting to run, skate, and climb again. And I brushed my hair today.

i wrote a lot tonight. It helps me. Thank you for reading.

p.s. I got my tiny tree. I skipped the mcd’s part which was fine, and sorting through the ornaments was emotionally okay too. Also went to Whole Foods, but nearly had a panic attack for some reason. literally had to take deep breaths and tell myself I could do it. A bit dramatic i know…It was not really a big deal after all since I’m healthy and strong; I felt sad for the sick people who really can’t do it though.

life is moving.

went to polina’s birthday party tonight. she looked beautiful. it’s always nice to see everyone, but it still felt sad. sometimes I forget that they are grieving too. everybody loved eddie.

people ask me how i’m doing, what i’ve been up to, how i’ve been sleeping, and am I eating enough. I can’t tell the truth. and I can’t lie to people I love. so I just say, “i’ve been drinking a lot,” which is true and sums everything up.

last christmas I made egg nog and it was delicious. If I make it again this year it will officially be a new tradition. I do need new traditions. the new tradition for getting the tree will be the same as the old tradition except it will only be me. and it will be tiny.

long story short. I went to eddie’s and my favorite sushi place for dinner tonight. party of one. according to the trusty swarm app, the last time we went there was july 9. they were shocked when I told them about his passing. yoey said, “he looked perfect last time I saw him.” indeed. it was emotional for me to be there again. but I felt supported by my friends and cecilia. and that’s all I needed.

afterwards, stumbled upon an art event. I sipped and socialized. got some photobooks, instagram follows, fist bumps (skaters), and hugs (bartenders). was nice.

after all that though. I missed eddie a bunch. alone and I felt it. but this is a perfect world and nobody is here for me except for me.

worked late so the night got away. sipped wine (with ice in it) and talked on the phone with cj. like a normal, healthy girl with friends.

today I went to the eyebrow studio for my annual brow touch-up. another normal, healthy girl thing of me to do. I can do that, but I can’t get myself in for the mammogram, pap smear, or all the other important checks to make sure all is normal and healthy and girl. 2025 is the year. we’ll all quit cigarettes.

it doesn’t feel like christmas season. I want to get into the spirit but the spirit is sad. I thought about home depot-ing for a tree, driving through Mcd’s, and sorting through ornaments. sob much? maybe I need a new tradition. maybe in 2025.

other news: In today’s work meeting, I was described as “unflappable.”

it feels good to be back in la. The only person bummed about it is Niko. She loved the quiet vastness of Elk Grove so much. Nevertheless, she did great on the flight home. No fussing and no clawing like on the way there. She actually did better than me. Admittedly, I had a spontaneous cry on the plane, which i guess is still happening. Especially Love it when it happens in small, enclosed public spaces. Thinking about my elderly neighbor Tom right now. When i told him that eddie passed away, his immediate response was “that’s life.”

i finally had a whiskey pickle back for the first time and enjoyed it very much. Same with Malört. Same with some other first-time things, Like watching four christmases, Intertwining, and driving down Benton.

Finally got to explore a little bit of Sacramento. Went to the best farmers market in California (third best in the country). It’s the best because it’s big, has everything every other farmers market has to offer plus a tarot card reader, and vendors I wish were available in la. Frenchy gourmet yogurt was a great find. The berries from other vendors looked ok but we didn’t purchase. Some huge strawberries were dropped on to the ground and smooshed; Niko had zero interest in them but that doesn’t mean anything since she’s not a berrivore.

i was trying out midtown sac to see if I could live there. And I could. Yes, I would move. The bloody Mary’s are good enough. Except I can’t move because there aren’t any bird friendly homes for sale at the moment. Also checked out the capital park area, which was nice and beautiful. Fall leaves, crisp air, some east coast vibes. Overall, this city is great. Vast and great.

I’ll be catching a ride back to la in the morning. Home is always where I want to be. But I do love being here.