Had a very fun and eventful weekend. Too many things and places to write about. We went to a couple of restaurants that I had been to one time in the past with eddie. I remembered that He had a hard time one way or another (eg, he got sick or he got mad) at both of the places. Not the best memories but worth remembering.

but this weekend, i had completely different experiences at the spots. Different time. Different person. Different me. It was all good. It just feels like my life is moving like I’m on a train looking out the window. Not sure which direction I’m moving though because I might be lost and I’m terrible with directions anyway. I may not be able to find my way to the party, but I always find my way back home.

1:10 am.

I need to sleep so I can’t write much. There isn’t much to say.

My little hexclad pan arrived today. I am in love with it. I will treat myself to the larger one the next time I do something bad.

grateful for my birds, laughing at the weight I gained, the person who hugged me, locket pics, and the fact that I have things to look forward to.

1:53 am.

not much to report tonight. I’m still tired and work has been super busy. I worked late while sipping wine so I didn’t mind so much. Later on, I stepped out for a cocktail. I cut the night short to help my bestie neighbor move a large box containing furniture. Happy to help—I have a dope dolly. us girls did none of the work though. 322 came through. Nevertheless, I felt so neighborly.

grateful for my busy job, intact liver, coconut rice, getting what I want but not when i want, green flags, and WhatsApp chats.

12:36 am.

I was pretty tired today. And when I’m tired I’m not as careful as I usually am. I forgot to turn off the stove. My rice scoop melted into the pan and the apartment filled with smoke and the smell of burnt plastic. Strangely, the smoke detectors didn’t go off. Wonder who replaced those batteries…

I ruined the pan though. I probably could have saved it with some good scrubbing but sometimes I worry about ingesting plastic particles especially after they’ve been incinerated. I ordered a fancy replacement. The Gordon Ramsay one. My negligence and I don’t deserve it, but I promise to be more careful, to cook healthy and delicious things, and to try not to be something I’m not.

1:34 am.

Six months since Eddie’s passing. we have come a long way. I used to call the unpredictable emotional days “bad” days, but I’m not going to call them that anymore. I realized that moments of having a spontaneous cry or taking a ride on a wave of sadness are when I’m most connected to eddie. It’s love energy. All around me. Zap. And now you. Today at the cemetery I certainly felt loved and supported. Almost like a dream.

People say to live life to the fullest. Some of those people also say things like “I’ll sleep when I’m dead.” I had a very full couple of days. But i will sleep now.

12:45 am.

people ask what the hardest part about dating after losing eddie has been. the hardest part is that i’m not myself. I’m evolving, i’m a mess. shouldn’t even be up in this business. grief makes me selfish and reckless (we all grieve differently). i’m a bad version of myself and now i’ve been given this license. I do whatever I wish.

no one likes a selfish person, a reckless person, a messy person. and no one likes to be told to leave. the hardest part is knowing that i’m not myself, but I will be eventually.

3:24 am.