I had forgotten about all the thank you cards that I wanted to write. this is a task that I thought I could have completed by the end of november 2024. then I extended the deadline to new year’s eve. but here we are. it is not an easy job—I’m trying to write real good messages to people who loved eddie, who showed me and the family love and support, and who mean everything to me while I continue on this healing journey.

I went to the hotel lobby bar to write some cards. I can’t tell you which hotel but there are two trees involved. I sipped wine and got through a couple and then tried to write the hardest one—for eddie’s assistant/mentee/work little brother. it wasn’t easy…very emotional; and you are not allowed to cry in nice bars. The man in the suit will ask you to leave.

shawanna came and met me for a round of drinks. she made me laugh. and within the span of an hour I cried, I laughed, and then I cried because I was laughing so hard. life rules.

12:21 am.

I haven’t been sleeping on life. times are being had. twice—déjà vu.

I hope you had a good weekend. i’ve been feeling the love, which has always been what fuels me through the fog of grief and the beautiful madness of life. and this love came to me over the weekend in many forms: fried zucchini, bad texts, rad texts, neighbor visits, snot stickers, dumpling brunch, ear plugs, costco milk, kisses, and hugs. I loved it all.

10:33 pm.

i didn’t drink any coffee or espresso today. But I had multiple matcha lattes. Lotta lattes. Muchas matchas, etc. I fell asleep after dinner.

my neighbor treated me to sushi. Dinner was his idea. Sushi was my idea. Turns out he doesn’t eat raw fish. He also doesn’t eat ramen. Dude is living in the wrong neighborhood (little Tokyo). I learned a lot of interesting things about him though. Motorcycle accident. Jail. Meth. Everybody in the world has interesting things to share about themselves. Even me. problem is, who’s interested in hearing about them?

While scrolling on ig I discovered that skip and Martha engblom lost everything in the Eaton fire. Skip founded dogtown and Santa Monica airlines and is pretty legendary. eddie did the sound for the dogtown and z boys documentary (poster can be seen on my bedroom wall in the starlight photo I posted on January 13). We love dogtown and Sma around here.

one day after skating the Glendale Verdugo skatepark, eddie and I stopped for tacos and margaritas at la cabanita. An older gentleman approached us and complimented our t-shirts. I was wearing an sma natas tee (with panther) and eddie was wearing a blind Jason lee dodo skull shirt. Eddie recognized skip right away and They talked a bit about the documentary. He was very nice. Skip and Martha finished their meals and said goodbye to us and then they left. The server told us that they bought us another round of drinks. It was one of those rare, special chance meetings.

so many people need help after the fires right now. i’m not really going out there and gathering supplies or donating clothing or household items. but I am sending funds when I can. and also making purchases in which the proceeds benefit those who need them. I bought this (you should too):

10:23 pm.

A little bit of a hard time while cooking today. I used to put hot dogs in our spaghetti because eddie and I were big fans of young Sheldon. Well, I didn’t add any hot dogs today (because it was only for comedic effect) but many memories resurfaced. Told you dinner time is the hardest part of the day. In the end, the spaghetti was of course beautiful.

I plugged in the electric blanket so the bed is warm. Nobody else in the world loves their creature comforts more than I do. And I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world right now.

i never have to leave this apartment. Except on Friday I’m going to the dentist.

10:51 pm.

I’ve had a chill in my bones all day. Not like I’m getting sick or anything like that…just cold because it’s winter. I decided to turn the heat on. Being in the apartment by myself means I can set the temperature to whatever I want. But not above 77F because the building put a limit on our smart thermostats. People were mad.

i’m hungry right now. Nowadays I try to eat whenever I’m hungry even if it’s late at night. But I had so much sugar (sweetened espresso and multiple matcha lattes, pecan pralines, vanilla macaron) today I’m going to pass on a late-night snack. Even if it would’ve been just an apple or some crackers. Eddie’s mom FaceTimed me today. I never have to step on a scale again because she’ll always let me know with accuracy (and without me asking) whether I’ve gained weight or lost weight. She said I gained!

Thought about skateboarding again today. You know what it is…I think I’m afraid I can’t do it anymore. Like i can’t even push around. I want to go practice in a parking lot at night by myself. Well, you can come if you want. I guess Meet me at Hastings sears in an hour but in the year 1998. I’ll treat you to carrow’s after. 10:17 pm.

Mondays aren’t the worst. The cute bartender poured a lot of mezcal shots but we were fine.

A couple of first-time things: 1) i made iced matcha lattes. not a big deal. i used the nespresso aeroccino milk frother gadget. matcha will be my late afternoon caffeine fix from now on. #bestgiftever 2) i ordered sushi on an app and walked and picked it up. kind of a big deal. dinner time, uber eats, and eating food alone brings back a lot of eddie memories and some pain and sadness. but when a sushi craving hits, it hits. I am going strong.

it’s not the “alone” part that’s hard. i was mostly alone even when he was right beside me. i love the alone part and can still feel him right beside me. it’s the missing part that’s hard.

Now We bump techno or wu-tang youtube 24/7 in this apartment because of the upstairs neighbors. I can sleep through Adam beyer, but can’t sleep through the stomping.

11:33 pm.