i accomplished a bit of Christmas shopping. When you find a good deal on a nice gift that you think the person will love, do you also buy that same item for yourself? I did today. And now it is sold out. I guess I’m not the only one who loves a shiny ______.

i also went house hunting today. Moving into a new space—the whole process from touring different apartments, decision making, dropping money, packing, remodeling, unpacking, more decision making, dropping more money, living a new life—is so transformative. Boys always broke up with me shortly after I moved into a new place of my own. Maybe I vibed too independent, exclusive, ferocious. Maybe they were sad i didn’t pack them into one of my boxes and set them up on my nightstand. Maybe i was mean. Maybe they saw i was a hoarder. I’m different now—I don’t play with boys. I’ll dust off the nightstand and trash all the clutter.

grateful for ChatGPT, Dracula, dessert stops, a little bit of fruit and a little bit of yogurt, Neiman Marcus sales, taking work off, Easter fort crew, party plans, Mastercard, 11 months, writing the next chapter, dreams.

1:10 am.

I’ve been thinking about my future. Some masters say there’s no point in worrying about the future—only the present moment is real. I’m not worrying, I’m just trying to form a plan.

Kind of a complicated plan. I need to move, I need to secure large amounts of money, I need to build body mass, and I need support.

those aren’t New Year’s resolutions.

grateful for the Jen’s, sober dude, nobody getting hurt, making moves, Niko’s excellent behavior, Thai chilis, having everything I need.

12:29 am.

Youtube says there are easy things you can do to make your body feel young again. I’ve been doing them—deep squatting, hanging on a pull-up bar, pushups. Also been eating like a bachelorette. Not lean cuisine.

grateful for Taylor swift, Dewalt, sweet person, Zillow, lagwagon, my job, espresso, the present moment.

12:46 am

I haven’t been doing much lately. Been working a bunch, but outside of the office I’ve been pretty lazy. I have long to-do and shopping lists. Let’s say I’ve been resting.

This morning, the apartment building manager sent an email saying there was free Starbucks in the lobby. i went downstairs in my pajamas and filled my yeti. That was the highlight of my day.

grateful for mellow nights, dead hangs, bourbon ballz, my mom, gifts, warm and safe.

1:27 am.

happy December. Can you believe it. I’ve been in the holiday spirit! Been watching Lots of holiday movies and shows, Attended a legit company holiday party, Been eating lots of junk and sipping peppermint mochas, And most importantly, got the Christmas tree up—it is fabulous.

i miss eddie a lot and the other day I heard his voice. It was comforting to know I’m not alone.

i was so concerned about my holiday traditions—gotta do things the same way every year, with the same people, etc—but things change and people come and go. Love is the only constant and it’s everywhere.

grateful for Bridget jones, vintage ornaments, c.o.c., lazy sundays, Chinese food, violet, Asian squat, advent calendar for niko, downtown living, sweets, sore glutes, nasal iodine spray, good fortune.

1:40 am.

Happy thanksgiving weekend. I hope you got to enjoy time off work, good food, and friends/family.

i am in Elk Grove. It is peacefully suburban with neatly paved walking paths and lots of green space surrounding big, newly constructed homes. it is also surprisingly rural because there are fields full of grazing cows just yards away from the backyard. We all really like it here, especially my dog.

I ate too much food, slept a bunch, and had a great time with my family. One of my best friends visited with her kids and her Jeff and brought amazing treats—it felt like a dream seeing them all. Do all old people enjoy thanksgiving more than Christmas?

Also, I learned how to play mahjong today.

grateful for my family, abundance of food, jimmy + Stephanie, miller lite, pung, tony, sweet potato pie, homemade sour dough, kefir yogurt, good sleep, friends, so much joy.

12:38 am.