My lease renewal offer came in. The email was addressed to both me and eddie. And his name is still on the lease. Of course they were informed, and they should know better but they’re corporate. Pounds fist. And want their money. They raised the rent and raised the parking by nearly 50%.

we were going to move. We said we would for years. I picked Milwaukee after taking a YouTube walking tour and liking the city/video. Riverwalk lofts are so affordable there. Beer city. I even idealized the snow and cold weather—we’ll just get Niko the cutest sweaters. We’d work remote. It was A viable plan, except we never talked about his health stuff. We just dreamed about having a good life. Even though we already had a great life.

i still do that. Keep dreaming about a good life when life is already great. My current existence feels like a dream. Sometimes I have to stop myself from poking people’s faces to see if they’re real. Usually when I’m drunk, but still.

still want to visit Milwaukee. Drink some beer and check out the river. Definitely Not gonna go during the winter, no matter how cute the sweaters are. Let’s all go.

1:31 am.

This weekend i realized that I’ve been so wrapped up in all my emotional and physical stuff that I haven’t really taken time to connect with my consciousness. I mean I feel pretty aligned with the universe already, especially with all the golden love that’s been shared around me recently—what more do i need? I feel so blessed to have manifested all forms of love, happiness, and support while sailing the seas of grief. but when was the last time i was intentional with my manifesting skillz? And by manifesting skillz I mean the power of manifesting matter. And by matter I mean cars and money. Haha.

today I meditated for the first time in a long time. To attract things. But not things like the olymp blue gt3 or the monster energy duffel bag full of cash. I didn’t see them in my vision. Yet. We were all at the beach though.

Remembering One time someone left a comment on my old blog saying that I’m too concerned with my “pocketbook.” Another time someone commented about how self-centered I am. Anyway, if you click the post title, you can leave a comment.

12:45 am.

you guys, good news and further confirmation that love and kindness Is the way. Neighbor update.

Niko and I were bumpin’ Richie Hawtin techno sets all night. Only because we wanted to cover up the sound of the upstairs neighbors’ footsteps with the sounds of unz unz. At around 11:45 pm, the boyfriend of the girl who lives upstairs knocked on my door. He said their entire room was vibrating. Haha. He was a very nice Asian kid, and after some talking it felt like we got everything sorted out. Later, The girl texted me (from a 909) and she was very kind. They have been super quiet ever since!

Just golden.

tonight I did laundry, sipped wine, played street fighter, tested the ph of the water from the water machine (Results inconclusive), and attempted to repair my Nelson clock after watching a YouTube. Haven’t fridayed like this in quite a while. It is nice.

happy friday. i’m taking an easy day at work. today is five months since eddie’s passing. I have the best team holding down the fort so I was able to step away to go to the cemetery.

I was really unprepared for the visit though. I didn’t think I needed to take anything, but turns I needed food. and water. haha. and tissues. and maybe even a little bit of support (thank you, ig). but it was a beautiful day and always wonderful to be with him.

i also visited and delivered flowers to eddie’s father. he was a brilliant, poetic man and his nickname for me was “talking flower.”

five months isn’t a long time. or is it? I feel like i’m doing a pretty solid job in terms of healing and honoring this beautiful journey that I get to be on. i’m sure not everyone’s grieving path is like mine—positively lit by a bright guiding light of shining golden love. I know how lucky I am. doing my best to spread it.

3:38 pm.

today was a beautiful day. Every aspect of my life brought me joy. Is it weird to be laughing so much?

I’m not really in a writing mood though because there is a lot of stuff going on in my head, heart, stomach, and plantar fasciae right now. Nothing bad.

transmitting love
Place index and middle fingers in space below. close your eyes. and receive love:

well done.

12:44 am.

feeling very good tonight. I had dinner with cj where the restaurant was cute and loud. trendy la. at our table…nothing but real talk, no judgment, all love. and that caramel sauce.

two funny things today:

1. I decided to extend my arm out over the balcony railing while holding a peanut in hopes of a crow landing and perching on my forearm. there were three of them in the tree nearby watching me; they all know me and have been eating my food every day for years. it’s about time they repay me with some urban wildlife glory. nobody landed on me. and a neighbor was watching.

2. I was in an hour-long meeting today (cameras off)…i was talking, making announcements, and answering questions. but i noticed people were acting very cold towards me and not responding to anything I was saying and someone even cut me off and said “let’s move on.” i wasn’t on mute and nobody indicated that they couldn’t hear me. after the meeting I noticed a pop-up buried under other windows saying my mic wasn’t working and to use a different device. haha for a whole hour.

in other news, I got a “no front plate on bumper” ticket today. thinking about the time I had to go to the chp department to prove I had fixed it on my old wrx. the officer walked outside and took a quick glance and then signed off on it. Little did he know that it was just taped on.

12:37 am.