I went on vacation. To an unforgettable and special wedding. The most beautiful bride and the best vows I ever heard—they’re going to make it. I enjoyed Toronto family time so much. The greatest gift that eddie gave me is all the loving friends and family he brought into my life. Love lasts forever. Different forms, through different people, in different places. I love love so much.

downtown Toronto is nice and fun and clean with good restaurants (but bad tacos) and cool places to shoot pool. Not a single blue jays fan nor any Tito’s vodka was spotted. We enjoyed hole-in-the-wall Chinese food, Thai food, sushi, and fancy lakeshore dining. Things I’m good at. We didn’t drink beers at the brewery—we drank hot ciders. I enjoyed the cold weather and wished there was snow.

I came back to reality—to work life, meetings, deadlines, manuscript pages, sleep deprivation—heaven.

grateful for everything and everyone i got, Pictionary, turmeric tea, manuka honey, Cecilia + Garfield, charlotte’s room, meta glasses, almond cookies, Christmas movies, wake and latte, throw up, louboutins, Phil Collins, 10 months, so much more.

11:36 pm.

Vote for me and WiFi will be fast, free, and accessible to anyone anywhere. I was shut out of My temporary office in the top-floor club room because it was reserved for a special event. So I set up a sweet workstation in the doubletree hotel restaurant. I enjoyed an overpriced salmon salad (20% service fee + 20% tip), No Pinot Grigio. They said to come back; they’ll give me free breakfast.

I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe thinking and feeling too much. Maybe I didn’t process all the hard emotional things fine enough. Why are feelings resurfacing in weird ways. Is it because I finally pulled the trigger and now I want to keep killing?

is it because I’ll be traveling and now I’m everything? Excited, happy, anxious, sad, hungry, cold, unprepared, lucky. Everything.

grateful for truth revealed, vacation, Thursday, Lenny, gel polish, my boss, taking risks, good outcomes, fast internet, caffeine, smelly long-sleeves.

1:26 am. See you in a few days.

A full day of no WiFi in the apartment. And it’s great! This morning I packed up the laptop and portable monitor and set up office in the top-floor club room where the WiFi is good. I went back to my unit for a lunch break and coffee with my neighbor and then returned to work. I miss going to an office but not that much. Tomorrow I’ll pack my lunch. Hope nobody steals it. best part is the new office is dog friendly.

I would have watched tv tonight, but instead I played a bunch of NYT games. Wyna Liu is so cute.

it was a beautiful 11/11. The love never dies. I received sweet texts and hugs from friends. I was reminded that some people look like they have it all—but they could be very lonely. agree changing their hairstyle would help but not fix. Just look inside and be ready. Oh, and follow your dreams.

grateful for love languages, kirin light, free WiFi, brown sugar oat creamer, tomatoes, compliments, shopping help, Monica, jonocorp, my career, signs from the universe, technical difficulties, disappointment, connections.

12:14 am.

happy 11/11.

my WiFi has been down since the afternoon and it won’t be back until I receive new hardware. We’re talking days. I didn’t watch a single YouTube or a Netflix today. I Exercised, but not along to an app. I listened to Spotify through a Bluetooth speaker instead of my Alexas. I’m connected to a hotspot right now.

I had a lot of time to just…be with my thoughts. Lots of thinking And lots of talking to myself. I missed eddie a bunch. I saw a photo of him looking strong, big (plump?), and serious. I thought about all the things he wanted to do still—the movie, the music, the raving. Of course It’s sad he never got to do them; but my grief has always been selfish—always about me—I’m missing the creativity, the hustle, the evolution. It was enhancing. and of course all the love. It’s okay to want more. I still want to be the queen.

grateful for krs-one, veggiehammerr, no scrubs, Bobby tang, h2o2, insomnia, ugly feelings, avocados, busted technology, bad mood, apartment amenities, sadness, clueless, virbac, clicky mechanical keyboards, copy editing, life editing.

1:58 am. My alarm clock is on WiFi.

life is moving. The days are flying. The world feels different.

I eat a lot. I never drive. I go to the doctor.

a weekend of nonstop fun: met lance mountain and someone named hosoi or something, ate at red lobster, made new friends at the dive bar in Hawthorne, drank jägerbombs, shot pool, played darts, enjoyed warm la weather, had kbbq, and binged tv. Not in that order.

grateful for weekend funnin’, Darby carter, piano-playing octopus, packing lists, being carried, snowy forecasts, deadlines, relationships, being rich, fertilized eggs, life and everything about it.

12:25 am.

This week is flying. Tomorrow we’ll be 95.

grateful for good memories, Sheldon cooper, Libby app, things to look forward to, November babies, peace.

1:07 am.