a mellow evening. To myself. I mostly did nothing. I exercised and watched ugly Betty. Is that show meant to make you cry? Ate cereal for dinner. Laundry. Returned a phone call—only let it ring twice lest they answered.

Nothing major to report. I am doing well. I am going to watch spring baking championship.

12:00 am.

I’ve been held captive lately, but tonight I was free to attend yena and Keith’s wedding. Yena is Eddie’s cousin, and At one point, any cousin of Eddie’s became a cousin of mine. Tonight could have been awkward though. I was seated at the family table right next to the bride’s parents. relatives who traveled from Korea were interested in meeting me. They were warm; anxiety dissolves in warmth.

i signed Eddie’s name in the guestbook with the words “in spirit.”

contrary to popular belief, my favorite part of a wedding isn’t the open bar. Not the cake either. It’s the vows. I used to think I could predict whether a couple would end up in divorce or not based on the virtue of their vows. It’s not negative thinking—I think divorce can Be as beautiful as marriage—but that’s for later. Promises were broken; and people die—but love glitters gold. All over the place.

i love love so much.

3:25 am

i can’t believe how fast time is flying. April the cruelest month is nearly done. Lots to look forward to. Like retirement.

i met a lady at the Hms bounty today. She said she goes wherever the winds take her. She was 70 and looked much younger. She said there used to be a bed of quartz crystals that you could lie on at the wi spa before it became the wi spa. I’ll never go.

life has been good. sooo different from this time last year. My heart hurts thinking about it. don’t look back.

Grateful for wu-tang clan, Clamato, Canadians, diy detail, vampire’s kiss, and nuclear bodies.

1:38 am.

8 months since Eddie’s passing. Yesterday I cried. Something happened and I was so disappointed in myself, I felt like I let him and his legacy down, and I wished I could turn back time. People say he wouldn’t want me to feel this way. But I can sense all the energies and I should have done better.

i should try to do better in all the major areas of my life. Eat better. Sleep better. Work better. Treat people better. Be treated better. One time I saw a guy with a tattoo that said “fail better” in typewriter font on his upper outer elbow. I think about that tattoo way too much. Don’t even know what it means.

Grateful for my friends, wake-up calls, all the water I drank today, crow babies, long naps, long hugz, long breaks, and peloton.

2:05 am.

Haven’t written in a while. Maybe that’s a good sign—writing here has always been therapeutic. Maybe I just don’t need to as much. Or maybe I’ve just been drinkin’ and funnin’ too much. Either way, I missed you.

latest updates: Life is moving. I’m evolving. My body is changing. I got a haircut and rode my skateboard.

grateful for oy chamoy, negative test results, feeling just capital, egg hunts, marine greens, cookies, and the power of now.

1:05 am.

so much has happened in the past few days. All good stuff.

Hinds in San Diego was so fun. I brought gifts (necklaces) for Ana and Carlotta. They wore them during the show. I love them so. I drank a lot of tequila.

We spent the following day in ocean beach. It was overcast yet the views were beautiful. I need to see the ocean more often. we stayed late there to catch a punk show. If that doesn’t earn cool points, not sure what does.

I was so grateful to be on a mini-vacation…it was always hard for me and eddie to plan trips because of his treatment schedule and chemo effects. I never felt like I was missing out on anything, but these new experiences are really somethin’ else.

jimmy and Steph are in town so I enjoyed much needed fam time. Also had some saelee time. some Daniel time. Some barramundi and some tea smoked duck. Life is delicious.

grateful for York blvd, pet friendly bars, ghost ballz, nondairy creamer, seafood pasta, eddie dreams, the sun, and everyone in my life past-present-future.

3:34 am.