I’m tired and I have a sink full of dirty dishes. I injured my lower back somehow and couldn’t manage to do much today. I took 4 Advils. Thinking of all the times eddie swallowed a small bowl full of 8 Advils + an oxy + a morphine + his muscle relaxants. He endured so much pain. Never complained. He was an ox.

grateful for big pharma (sorry, but they got the pillz to pay my billz), startup show login, the skewer truck, family kakaotalks, milk caps, full disclosure, Sylvia, Dylan, and momo.

11:51 pm.

May 13. It’s a good day to throw 13 things away. nobody likes clutter yet there It is. Time to shut the brain off.

mondays aren’t bad. I can be home alone now. Not completely alone. I am here with my fat.

Besides work people, you’re the only person I talked to today.

my new favorite after dinner treat is pepto bismol.

grateful for bicycle crunches, lactose-free cream cheese, chopak dumpings, what the ex taught, Nike phoenix fleece, bloody nose clots.

1:51 am.

A fine Mother’s Day. I looked back on my camera roll because I couldn’t remember what eddie and i did for our moms last year. The photos made me sad; be a crocodile, don’t look back.

This year I spent time with only my mom. during dinner she kept telling me to have a baby. I told her I’d think about it. I guess She forgot how old I am.

do all moms wish their babies could stay babies forever? The good moms Certainly do.

grateful for the best mom, your sweet mom, bouquets, every day this past month, hot weather, best friends, healing, remembering, and having so many swirls of love— everywhere.

1:07 am.

a mellow evening. To myself. I mostly did nothing. I exercised and watched ugly Betty. Is that show meant to make you cry? Ate cereal for dinner. Laundry. Returned a phone call—only let it ring twice lest they answered.

Nothing major to report. I am doing well. I am going to watch spring baking championship.

12:00 am.

I’ve been held captive lately, but tonight I was free to attend yena and Keith’s wedding. Yena is Eddie’s cousin, and At one point, any cousin of Eddie’s became a cousin of mine. Tonight could have been awkward though. I was seated at the family table right next to the bride’s parents. relatives who traveled from Korea were interested in meeting me. They were warm; anxiety dissolves in warmth.

i signed Eddie’s name in the guestbook with the words “in spirit.”

contrary to popular belief, my favorite part of a wedding isn’t the open bar. Not the cake either. It’s the vows. I used to think I could predict whether a couple would end up in divorce or not based on the virtue of their vows. It’s not negative thinking—I think divorce can Be as beautiful as marriage—but that’s for later. Promises were broken; and people die—but love glitters gold. All over the place.

i love love so much.

3:25 am

i can’t believe how fast time is flying. April the cruelest month is nearly done. Lots to look forward to. Like retirement.

i met a lady at the Hms bounty today. She said she goes wherever the winds take her. She was 70 and looked much younger. She said there used to be a bed of quartz crystals that you could lie on at the wi spa before it became the wi spa. I’ll never go.

life has been good. sooo different from this time last year. My heart hurts thinking about it. don’t look back.

Grateful for wu-tang clan, Clamato, Canadians, diy detail, vampire’s kiss, and nuclear bodies.

1:38 am.