Stephanie arrived today so there was much joy. third extravagant dinner in a row. More pie. Afterwards we took family photos and opened gifts. My face was round and red. So jolly. No tears.

i said I wanted to head back to my apartment tomorrow. My mom said she wishes i would stay but she didn’t ask me to stay. So I’m going. I’ll be back after i organize some things there though. Okay yeah, I just want to go and play with my new nespresso.

12:35 am. What’s the plan for new year’s?

how did Christmas Day go. We went as a family to visit eddie at his final resting place. The truth is I like going there by myself but I know he loved the fact that he brought us all together today. It was very beautiful and peaceful at the cemetery and he’s even got a great view. i feel bad that the grave marker still hasn’t been put in place—It’s still in production because it took me forever to choose the design and words for it. Once that’s in he’ll feel less headless.

afterwards I took a four-hour nap. Grieving is exhausting. But also I’ve just been eating (lots) and sleeping like a true Garfield Christmas.

we still haven’t opened any presents. 2:25 am.

merry Christmas. 1:08 am. We made it.

i’m at my mom’s house. As soon as I arrived she made me blueberry pancakes and eggs. My brother is here too.

On Christmas Eve, we lounged, drank wine, listened to alternative Christmas songs, and then had an amazing dinner. My mom cooked a roast and roasted beets. I told her the Mac and cheese tasted like it came out of a box (a compliment because i love that stuff), and we all agreed that it tasted like “real” Mac and cheese. She seemed sad but then relieved when i said this was the most food I’ve eaten in five months. It was a delicious time. Family is key.

Four months since Eddie’s passing. If I didn’t know the date I would have no idea how long it’s been. I just know I miss him a lot and I still shake my head when I think about all this.

we usually open presents and take photos after our Christmas Eve dinner. This year we did not. But Maybe tomorrow.

In other news, i called a friend “babe” on the phone and it felt completely natural. I never say babe. But now all my female friends might be babe.

hope you’re having a big fat Christmas stuffed full of love.

didn’t do too much today. Wait, yes I did. I watched too much YouTube. And ate too many chamoy gummies. I neglected a lot of my tasks (let’s blame it on late amazon delivery) but I’ll make up for it by waking up early. That is one terrific aspect of my life right now: Do whatever I want.

i found out that a woman I know got engaged to her weird long-time boyfriend. She complained about his personality, finances, and health issues all the time, but now they are getting married. It was a piece of news that when I heard, a feeling came over me where I couldn’t wait to tell eddie about it (he loved discussing relationships). I also got that same feeling of wanting to share news with him when b informed me the swingers were trying to recruit me. Also happened when i found out about penny from big bang theory’s broken leg. I miss being able to gossip with him. Josephine said I still can. I’m guessing she meant just that. Talk to him. Unless she was dropping a feather on some African magic and i just didn’t catch it.

tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I’ll need to be strong. Especially at family photo time. 11:37 pm.

This is the best blog in the world. I was feeling very sad and I wrote a post that was a total bummer to write and probably to read. But it made me realize how beautiful my life and people are. So I deleted it and it became this post. Which is nothing.

5:26 pm. i’ve been bummin’ it in pajamas and slugging along all day. But I’m ready to go and flip it like Jim Greco.

I thought I was cured of my social anxiety but there was a little bit of it tonight at Dave c’s party. It happens a lot when you don’t feel like you fit in. Thank god Sylvia was there. She understands my shrimp chips + bourbon diet.

did some more online shopping. I regret procrastinating. None of the gifts I’ll be giving are that great. But maybe I get a pass this year.

i know holidays are not about the gifts. But sometimes they are. I like when people give me nice material things because they love me. Not everyone cares for Fancy things and that’s exactly what I like about them. I felt sad when the Neiman marcus jewelry catalog showed up in the mailbox (addressed to eddie). He always wanted me to have the best things, and his taste in bling was impeccable. I miss that. So what.

already Sunday. Wishing I could freeze time like evie garland. I would touch you. 1:42 am.