I simply existed today.

in the morning, a cute pug spaniel kept bringing me his ball so I threw it a bunch of times for him to fetch, even though it was gross and nobody wanted to touch it.

In the afternoon, i watched the perfect neighbor on Netflix because i couldn’t concentrate on work.

In the evening, i ate vegan purple ice cream for dinner and then did a dumbbell workout on the peloton iPad app because my bike+ screen is broken.

at night, i read some poems by my favorite poet (Rachel wetzsteon) and felt sad that she’s no longer alive to write more poems.

before falling asleep, I wrote this post and watched nobody wants this and felt lucky that I know true love is eternal.

grateful for being alive, sakura park, asahole, ohtanny, bea and cj, my family, ai chef dogs, game changers, conservation of energy, where I am.

1:18 am.

i took a long nap today. I guess I needed to catch up on sleep even though there’s no such thing. I may have to watch the most interesting boring show to help me doze off tonight, which is ancient aliens.

Good news, I’ve been feeling more like myself lately—even though it’s a new version that nobody is familiar with. Am i nice? Am i mean? Am i ruthless? My apatu is still a mess and I still haven’t been doing healthy stuff that I used to enjoy like climbing and reading, but I’m back to knowing how I want to be seen. We don’t stay in pajamas all day anymore. We are loved because we are rad.

grateful for fast work week, my big brother, honest chats, vanilla milk, mega mugs, Rachelle, saying stuff on my mind, being heard, spam lite, brad stayrad, you, and you.

and of course, you.

1:50 am.

i might be getting better at communicating. I had a conversation that I was dreadinG, but I spoke from a place of honesty and respect. People say communication is key and seems that the key to good communication is sincerity, love, and pure intentions. At least it was in this situation. I walked away feeling loved, supported, relieved, and lifted. Might be a different story when communicating with other people like coworkers or customer support—Sometimes the key is simply dumbing it down, repeating yourself, and pounding your fist.

grateful for another wonderful weekend, all the moms in my life, hearing the words “I understand how you feel”, ube coconut, manhattan clam chowder, dumpster sake, a bag of baked potatoes, hiromi, deadline extensions, 8000 steps, date night on the couch, good talks.

2:22 am.

Eddie’s been sending messages. The 11:11 neon turning on by itself. Same with bea’s lamp. Then Lenny and taz’s tv did the same—straight to the sea turtle screensaver. He visited me in my dream last night. I forgot what happened but he was at the door and I touched his belly. I think he’s trying to tell me something, but I can’t read it and maybe that frustrates him. If something’s been bothering me, would it have to do with that? Do dead people know stuff and try to help us? Is it not even about me? Should I ask ai?

I came home tonight after being away. I missed my coffeemakers.

grateful for Friday, muncy, foot massages, chocolate chimp cookies, my apartment, walking pad, paletas, big meetings, not sleeping, feeling warm, trusting my gut.

2:59 am.

It feels early to me because i went out tonight but didn’t stay out late. Went to shujana’s comedy show for some good laughs and drinks. The jokes were good, but my favorite part was when a group of girls at the other end of the bar raised their glasses, “to shujana!” She’s friends with everyone. Even the Indian cashier at 7-11 knows and loves her. We have good people.

grateful for friends of friends, harry the dog, Guinness, cranberry walnut bread, Friday, broasted broccoli, “broasted”, quiet time, push-ups, j pelc, good neighbors, cherry tomatoes, my limbs, no injuries.

12:09 am.

Tonight at the restaurant, the server smiled and waved as my mom and I were walking up. We had not seen her in over a year. She’s kind of a special person—she isn’t korean but speaks korean to my mom, she memorizes our orders, and works multiple jobs because she’s a hustler. She emits warmth. And is cute. A part of me wanted to inform her of Eddie’s passing, but I didn’t want us to feel sad. Eddie really liked her and that place.

grateful for Irene, surf and turf, my mom, sweet potato, doc Charles, Thursday is the new Friday since 1996, my job, Special people, hot tea, cream puffs, macarons, saving the life of a horsefly, too many little things.

12:54 am.