I felt very emotional and thought about eddie a lot today. And this past week. Maybe It’s the time of year—almost one year since his passing; almost my birthday—but this grief business is no joke so there is always more to it.
I’ve been feeling things that I didn’t feel before…like the anger stage of grief. I went from denial (“this is crazy and doesn’t feel real”) straight to acceptance (“he is gone and I am surrounded by his love; life is beautiful”). But today I felt mad (and very sad). I felt that he was short-changed out of a longer, happy life. I felt that He endured a lot of pain and mental anguish that he didn’t deserve. I felt that he was scared and depressed and hurting but never showed me. it’s 💔. I cry because of that pain and loss.
but I’m not really angry. I can’t be. i know he/we had a great life and not everyone gets that. Right now I am happy and so lucky. So loved and congratulated. Grief is painful—for some I imagine it comes from a dark, black place. Mine comes from a collective of hundreds of pure, golden hearts. Fluttering like butterflies. Some bigger than others. Some closer to me than others. Yours. it’s 💛. i cry because that’s spectacular—love is an eternal gift. I have received it and I will share it.
grateful for burning eye perspective, muscle building, Paul choe, sad times, rotten eggs, my favorite people, my therapeutic blog, your 💛, anger and acceptance.
1:47 am.
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