Youtube says there are easy things you can do to make your body feel young again. I’ve been doing them—deep squatting, hanging on a pull-up bar, pushups. Also been eating like a bachelorette. Not lean cuisine.

grateful for Taylor swift, Dewalt, sweet person, Zillow, lagwagon, my job, espresso, the present moment.

12:46 am

I haven’t been doing much lately. Been working a bunch, but outside of the office I’ve been pretty lazy. I have long to-do and shopping lists. Let’s say I’ve been resting.

This morning, the apartment building manager sent an email saying there was free Starbucks in the lobby. i went downstairs in my pajamas and filled my yeti. That was the highlight of my day.

grateful for mellow nights, dead hangs, bourbon ballz, my mom, gifts, warm and safe.

1:27 am.

happy December. Can you believe it. I’ve been in the holiday spirit! Been watching Lots of holiday movies and shows, Attended a legit company holiday party, Been eating lots of junk and sipping peppermint mochas, And most importantly, got the Christmas tree up—it is fabulous.

i miss eddie a lot and the other day I heard his voice. It was comforting to know I’m not alone.

i was so concerned about my holiday traditions—gotta do things the same way every year, with the same people, etc—but things change and people come and go. Love is the only constant and it’s everywhere.

grateful for Bridget jones, vintage ornaments, c.o.c., lazy sundays, Chinese food, violet, Asian squat, advent calendar for niko, downtown living, sweets, sore glutes, nasal iodine spray, good fortune.

1:40 am.

Happy thanksgiving weekend. I hope you got to enjoy time off work, good food, and friends/family.

i am in Elk Grove. It is peacefully suburban with neatly paved walking paths and lots of green space surrounding big, newly constructed homes. it is also surprisingly rural because there are fields full of grazing cows just yards away from the backyard. We all really like it here, especially my dog.

I ate too much food, slept a bunch, and had a great time with my family. One of my best friends visited with her kids and her Jeff and brought amazing treats—it felt like a dream seeing them all. Do all old people enjoy thanksgiving more than Christmas?

Also, I learned how to play mahjong today.

grateful for my family, abundance of food, jimmy + Stephanie, miller lite, pung, tony, sweet potato pie, homemade sour dough, kefir yogurt, good sleep, friends, so much joy.

12:38 am.

I went on vacation. To an unforgettable and special wedding. The most beautiful bride and the best vows I ever heard—they’re going to make it. I enjoyed Toronto family time so much. The greatest gift that eddie gave me is all the loving friends and family he brought into my life. Love lasts forever. Different forms, through different people, in different places. I love love so much.

downtown Toronto is nice and fun and clean with good restaurants (but bad tacos) and cool places to shoot pool. Not a single blue jays fan nor any Tito’s vodka was spotted. We enjoyed hole-in-the-wall Chinese food, Thai food, sushi, and fancy lakeshore dining. Things I’m good at. We didn’t drink beers at the brewery—we drank hot ciders. I enjoyed the cold weather and wished there was snow.

I came back to reality—to work life, meetings, deadlines, manuscript pages, sleep deprivation—heaven.

grateful for everything and everyone i got, Pictionary, turmeric tea, manuka honey, Cecilia + Garfield, charlotte’s room, meta glasses, almond cookies, Christmas movies, wake and latte, throw up, louboutins, Phil Collins, 10 months, so much more.

11:36 pm.

Vote for me and WiFi will be fast, free, and accessible to anyone anywhere. I was shut out of My temporary office in the top-floor club room because it was reserved for a special event. So I set up a sweet workstation in the doubletree hotel restaurant. I enjoyed an overpriced salmon salad (20% service fee + 20% tip), No Pinot Grigio. They said to come back; they’ll give me free breakfast.

I haven’t been sleeping well. Maybe thinking and feeling too much. Maybe I didn’t process all the hard emotional things fine enough. Why are feelings resurfacing in weird ways. Is it because I finally pulled the trigger and now I want to keep killing?

is it because I’ll be traveling and now I’m everything? Excited, happy, anxious, sad, hungry, cold, unprepared, lucky. Everything.

grateful for truth revealed, vacation, Thursday, Lenny, gel polish, my boss, taking risks, good outcomes, fast internet, caffeine, smelly long-sleeves.

1:26 am. See you in a few days.