More birthday love today! My bestie neighbor came over with a strawberry cake candles ablaze. We shared a bottle of prosecco and life updates. I received tight hugs and more beautiful gifts. When it rains it pours.

Also, today it felt like eddie was calling me from the heavens. My phone rang and the caller id said it was “therapy eddie”, his old studio landline. It was a bit jarring to see that on my phone, but i figured it was someone from the studio calling to ask if i was going on their camping trip. I answered and knew the person who was calling—Arlo. He and eddie worked together a bunch and he is a friend. He asked me how I was doing and then asked, “what’s up?” Hmm. I said, “you called me.” No, he said he heard the phone ring as he was walking by the audio bay and decided to pick up. My phone log definitely says “incoming call.” We tripped out and chatted about the epic birthday celebration in Tahoe. It was nice and I felt touched and emotional after. What do you make of that? The beams of golden love shining down on me have been so bright and strong, I know it’s him Getting creative with his messages. There is love for us.

grateful for short naps, short work week, jade cat, black power, vivica fox stories, charge reversals, closet space, no Botox, joyhogger lager, my old boss, my current boss, lactose-free Greek yogurt, and everyone connected to me (even the unfriendly).

2:49 am.

Birthday adventure complete. I went on a big group trip to Reno/Lake Tahoe. It was bea’s 50th, and I always just piggyback my birthday celebration on to her’s. She does all the planning and inviting—it’s great. We did a lot of fun stuff like happy hour on a boat, amazing dinners, poolside chillin’, and extreme funnin’ in a dive bar. I was with my favorite people—mostly Eddie’s old friends who have become my best friends (the best gift he ever gave me). love is a gift that keeps on giving.

I cried my ugly eyeballz out so hard because I felt all the love. So much. For the first time someone held me while I blubbered through the painful beauty of it all. And that in itself is a beautiful thing. Sometime’s it’s easy to feel alone, but I know i am not.

Happy birthday to me.

grateful for July birthday babes, funfetti cake, gold snakes, birthday texts, bea and cj, blended margarita (strawberry and singular), Ian the bartender, Daniel, farmgirl flowers, Lori meyers, king’s Hawaiian, everyone I love(d).

2:38 am.

I felt very emotional and thought about eddie a lot today. And this past week. Maybe It’s the time of year—almost one year since his passing; almost my birthday—but this grief business is no joke so there is always more to it.

I’ve been feeling things that I didn’t feel before…like the anger stage of grief. I went from denial (“this is crazy and doesn’t feel real”) straight to acceptance (“he is gone and I am surrounded by his love; life is beautiful”). But today I felt mad (and very sad). I felt that he was short-changed out of a longer, happy life. I felt that He endured a lot of pain and mental anguish that he didn’t deserve. I felt that he was scared and depressed and hurting but never showed me. it’s 💔. I cry because of that pain and loss.

but I’m not really angry. I can’t be. i know he/we had a great life and not everyone gets that. Right now I am happy and so lucky. So loved and congratulated. Grief is painful—for some I imagine it comes from a dark, black place. Mine comes from a collective of hundreds of pure, golden hearts. Fluttering like butterflies. Some bigger than others. Some closer to me than others. Yours. it’s 💛. i cry because that’s spectacular—love is an eternal gift. I have received it and I will share it.

grateful for burning eye perspective, muscle building, Paul choe, sad times, rotten eggs, my favorite people, my therapeutic blog, your 💛, anger and acceptance.

1:47 am.

Today i lived a very adult life. To say “living my best adult life” would sound cliché, but it would be the truth. Gratefully golden.

Grateful for brown sugar lattes, productive work meetings, unflavored chocho protein, sadly delicious bachelorette dinners, group trip planning, fresh berries, sweet beau, heart-melting body heat, big plumes of love.

2:21 am.

Hope you had a nice extendo Fourth of July weekend. Mine was all funnin’ and sunnin’. Friends and family of friends. I ate a burger as planned. Didn’t have to sit through any fireworks or drone shows. Yay.

June flew and July is flying. Life changes fast. Hold on to your hats and meta glasses.

Grateful for nice people, Day drinking, gold beads, chocolate old fashioned, high protein, compliments, future confusion.

2:38 am.

A near perfect day. A great day at work. A delicious dinner. A beer. A hot tub party. a good “diet” day.

Grateful for Buddha bottle flowers, old school chivalry, so many friendly faces while walking on my block, honesty, YouTube algorithm, seeing so many 11:11s.

1:23 a.m.